So I just looked on someone's blog and read the title "I'm grateful things aren't as hard as they could be". Gee i really needed that perspective right now because yes in comparison to how hard it "could" be it's pretty great really. Just had a really challenging week after an awesome weekend. Now i'm staying up super late (don't you know that's the only time I write on here) & I know i'm going to be a grumpy so and so in the morning because of it but i'm gathering my thoughts here :)
I've realised something today though i'm very grateful kids are so resilient. I'm grateful that they really do forgive us so easily. This week I have felt like a yelling maniac. I have been on edge ALL WEEK & tonight I didn't even want to get River to pack away his toys because I couldn't stand the risk of another argument. Have I painted a pretty good picture of my nerves at the moment? Well if not I don't really want to go on anymore about it. I just simply want to change. I have pleaded with Heavenly Father this week to simply change me. I want him to simply wave a magic wand and turn me into a perfect mother who never yells.
The biggest reason I don't want to yell is this...
Last Friday Jimmi was driving me down to a Mother's retreat run by the 'Power of Mom's' (More details coming up soon on the whole weekend) and River was asking where I was going. I told him I was going to 'Mummy School' to learn how to be a better mother. His immediate response was,
"Why do you yell sometimes?"
I'm telling you my heart just broke when I saw the saddness in his eyes. I shook hands with him that he and I were both going to try and not yell. That all seemed so wonderful and ideal at the time but then I come home this week and for lots of reasons I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I'm all of a sudden a fire breathing dragon (who yells). So you can see that magic wand is looking really great at the moment seeing as my self control hasn't quite been doing the trick. Ah I know it doesn't work like that. I need to just keep at it and try new tactics. I am the only master of myself... Pray for me people. haha.
River has been coming up with some dooseys and i've been realizing just how observant River is of his surroundings, people and just life in general. Often it doesn't look like he is really focusing and observing because he's always moving from the one activity to the next really quickly. But he is sinking EVERYTHING in. I mean EVERYTHING even background conversations and noises (I'm thinking it's actually a gift). These past couple of weeks i've had to deal with a lot of moral questions and issues that I did not honestly think 3 year olds would firstly even notice let alone be seriously concerned about. So please if you are within ear shot of my son be careful what you say. Even if he is playing with his toys haha.
I need to say though just how proud I am of him. I am so proud in his willingness to follow Heavenly Father's plan for him. He already demonstrates a lot of courage to stand up for what he believes in and doesn't mind if he's not part of the crowd which is probably why a lot of kids seem to be drawn to him. He has his mind set on a lot of good things for his future already and that just makes me so full of joy. He is super concerned with keeping the "rules" at Joy school but not as much in our home though. Perhaps I need to make up a song (this was something suggested at the retreat also) or just toughen up. Pretty sure he knows he's got me wrapped around his finger hahaha.
But through all my bad habits and total mishaps River still put his arm around me while I was lying in his bed singing with him and said "Mum, I like you." that was more of a feeling of relief than anything. Ok good I havn't completed ruined our relationship by hurting his feelings so many times today. I can change.
Change. What a relief? We can change. We don't have to do things one way because we've been doing it that way our whole life. We can change ourselves, our situations, our relationships for the better. Sure it takes some hard work but it's do-able right? It is an inevitable part of Heavenly Father's Plan for us. He has given us the greatest gift of all. The atoning sacrifice of his son. Jesus has given us this gift so we can learn from our mistakes and literally CHANGE our very nature's. I'm so grateful, marveled, awed and inspired by this :)